Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My cat gives me a boner
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
