Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i've created a new STD.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
