Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
