just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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