shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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