My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
