peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
They took my balls.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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