I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
