Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
