I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
