My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
