Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
