Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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