here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
