Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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