I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
