eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
