Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
