Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
