just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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