they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
