If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
