She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
