You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
