He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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