help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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