3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
