yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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