NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
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Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.