They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-