I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
sarcasm needs its own font
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
