I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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