The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
