then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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