He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
