"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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