Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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