the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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