Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
