Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
handjob tips. give me some.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
