You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My ATM looks so different sober.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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