Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
