Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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