I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
