The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
