my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The best revenge is premature balding
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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