no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
