I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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