I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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