she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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