I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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