I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
