I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just tell him i said nine months
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
