My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
