my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
