somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
