one two three fourrrrnication!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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