No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
