I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
