Just cropdusted the office
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
