my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My ass is underappreciated
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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