Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
