Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Floor bacon is actually really good
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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