Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
